Hello there. How ya doing? Today I feel like sharing this post with you for a few reasons. I guess mostly because I feel like this little testimony of mine might actually help someone who reads it in some way. I don't know how, but maybe someone will be comforted in knowing that what happened to them could happen to anybody and there is a way through it. Also, I guess I'm sharing it because it's almost a New Year and Lord knows New Years Resolutions can have a lot to do with what I'm about to post. Also, I'm sharing it because we live in a society that is so focused on appearances that we can't even turn the television on to watch a "Friends" rerun without being inundated with ads telling us how we aren't thin enough, aren't beautiful enough and aren't good enough. This industry I've chosen is guilty. It's a brutal world and I want to make sure that however far I go in it, I remain strong, confident and with my eyes fixed only on what is important. I shared this post on my personal blog earlier this year when I first got though this season. Remember this was originally written in March 2012, and I have come a long way since then, but I feel like it's relevant to share here, and maybe someone who didn't see it last time will see it now and be encouraged.
I am one of those people that is superbly good at putting up a tough-nut facade and acting like I'm just peachy all the time (I guess that's why acting is my career of choice). I usually walk around with a super-confident attitude, pretending that I thought I was all that and a bag of chips (no in an arrogant way, hopefully, but in a high self-esteem way). I guess I did have pretty good self-esteem for the most part of my life, but recently, I'm not going to lie to you, it's been shaken a little bit in the last 12 months. And here's why.
About 16 months ago, I attracted a new follower to my blog on another blogging platform and when I looked into her blog, she was a weight loss blog. But she wasn't just a weight loss blog. She was, what I discovered was called, a Pro-Ana blog. What does Pro-Ana mean you ask? Well, when you Google it, the definition kind of varies. But the best idea I could get of it was, a community that celebrated Anorexia Nervosa as a lifestyle choice instead of a mental illness. I was absolutely shocked. How could something so destructive and horrific as this barbaric eating disorder be glamorised in such a way? Now, I've always had a heart toward women and girls with eating disorders. There is nothing that makes me more angry than eating disorders that cause people to believe complete lies about themselves. So I was completely floored why I discovered that amidst this blogging platform was not just one or two "Pro-Ana" blogs, but literally a community of THOUSANDS UPON THOUSANDS. Not all of them were Pro-Ana. Some were Pro-Mia (the glamorisation of bulimia nervosa as a lifestyle choice). Others were just girls with various eating disorders that either refused treatment, or whose family and friends hadn't realised their state yet, and some, the very rare ones, were body positive, healthy, happy weight loss bloggers. Around this time, I was going on my own journey of health and fitness, trying my best to eat a healthy diet and do a bit of exercise and basically just feel good about myself. My heart was so heavy when I explored these blogs that posted things such as images of scarily thin, emaciated girls that were used as "thinspiration" or "thinspo", and messaged back and forth pearls of "wisdom" to each other such as "pretty girls don't eat", "boys don't like fatties" and "what would you rather, the fries or a gap between your thighs?". I decided at this point, that seeing as I was on my own health journey, I would, myself create an anonymous health and weight-loss blog that was 100% healthy and body positive and try to inspire some of these girls with positive things. I would send messages to them, telling them they were beautiful and valuable, encouraging them and just kind of loving on them. I got mixed responses. Some adored the messages of hope, others didn't buy it at all. It became somewhat of my ministry ground. Just trying to be a lighthouse, an oasis of peace in a world gone mad.
It wasn't long being in this environment that I started to notice a paradigm shift. Things were starting to go awry. Instead of my words of encouragement and hope blessing the girls I was in contact with, their negative posts and images began to affect me. I was flooded every time I signed on with images that caused me to start to doubt my own appearance. I started to become obsessed. I started to be ridiculous. I ate less, I counted calories, I ran too far and too hard. I began weighing myself every day and got to a point where the number on the scale would affect whether I spent the day in a good mood or bad mood. I'd feel fat when I obviously wasn't, I'd stand in front of the mirror trying to work out whether the outfit I was wearing was making me look like I had a huge gut. I would feel incredibly guilty and depressed every time I ate anything that wasn't healthy. I was surrounded by images of skinny girls and for the first time in my life, I fell for the lie. I was totally bummed that I didn't look like them. I felt like such a hypocrite. I was facilitating Shine Programs and I certainly wasn't feeling much worth, strength or purpose. I just thought about food all the time. I felt terrible.
I went to a Women's Conference last week, and I didn't really know what I expected out of it. But on that first morning when the panel was talking about things that can limit our flourishing potential, a guest spoke about being unhappy with our appearances. He said we were Christ-Carriers, Treasure Boxes. He only spoke for a few minutes but he totally hit home hard. I felt God say to me, "Shut that blog down. I know you started out with the best intentions to bless people, but you're only hurting yourself. Besides, you are beautiful!" and I was undone.
I don't want these silly insecurities limiting my flourishing potential! So I came home and deleted the blog and promised myself I wouldn't go back there again. And you know what? I have no desire to! Just in the last couple of days I haven't felt that lack of confidence I had once had. I was just so happy. I couldn't stop smiling yesterday morning! God had just romanced me so much. I felt a joy I hadn't felt in quite some time. I felt more in love with Jesus that I've felt in a long time. I still feel it now. He just feels so close and tangible at the moment! I don't want the feeling to go away! I want to capture it, put it in a bottle and save it for a rainy day!So that was my story. It was scary how easily my mindset was affected, especially seeing as I always thought of myself as being super strong.
I hope if you have had a similar or worse experience that you find the help you need and are able to fight the battle and win. If you've ever had negative thoughts about yourself in anyway, and I know everyone has, I hope that you can bind them up and throw them out before they begin to burrow into your heart!
If you need to get healthy and want to lose weight as a New Years Resolution, please do it in a healthy way! Remember, you're worth so much more than a number on a scale!
Much love,
Alexandra
