2013 and my Missio Dei

A very well known fact about me, if you know me that is, is that my passion lies in performance. Acting to be specific. Theatre, film, television. Whatever. It's my greatest love when it comes to all things creative. However, perhaps a lesser known fact about me is that I also love writing. I always have. Ever since I was a little tyke, I'd write things. I wrote an incredibly inspiring song that I called "I Just Can't Fight Without the Light" while I was playing Spyro the Dragon when I was very young (long before he became part of Skylanders so THAT long ago). I also loved writing poetry, short stories and most of all, writing concept after concept of novels that I intended to write. I never completed a single one and to this day I have about a hundred documents saved to my computer that are old half-started stories that were prematurely laid to rest. In more recent years, I've blogged and I know some of you people enjoy reading my posts.

In year 12, I opened myself up to the concept of writing for stage for my Extension 2 English project. I absolutely loved it and ended up writing a play called "Down With Fancy Pants!" which was a cheeky comedy about the "truth" about the French Revolution (with a hint of modern day social commentary) that was inspired by comedies such as the Blackadder series and Mel Brooks "History of the World Part 1" and was my first completed piece of proper writing. I loved every moment to creating it. From rewriting the histories of King Louis and Marie Antoinette to introducing my own original "historical" characters such as Ambrose, the King's disgruntled youngest, unknown brother and Aveline, Marie Antoinette's vengeful young cousin and creating a world of satire and mistaken identity. It was ridiculous. And it was the most fun I'd ever had doing a school assessment. That was when I decided that I could channel my love of writing into script writing instead of flogging a dead horse in the novel department.

It was around this time that I first heard about The A21 Campaign. An organisation raising awareness of human trafficking and raising funds to free the modern day slave. I was immediately captured and wanted to do whatever I could to raise awareness myself. It didn't take me long to decide to write something about it. I started messing around with the idea of writing a play about human trafficking which was originally a series of monologues. I penned some thoughts and wrote some scenes before getting a serious case of writers block. The project went to the creative graveyard of My Documents and stayed there. Until late last year.

I can't tell you the exact moment I decided to revive the dead play that I'd been throwing around years ago. But I decided to rewrite the concept and adapt it for screen. That was when my latest creative venture was born. I wanted to create something that could be used as an awareness raising tool. Something that hit hard, cut deep and wasn't a glittery Hollywood romantised rehash.I didn't want to show people a pretty version of the sex trade. The version where 100% of women choose the path. The version where the "good-time gal" is swept off her feet by a rich gentleman. The version where the trafficking victim just happens to have an ex-CIA man for a dad who goes all ninja on the traffickers and busts her out and she is freed with no signs whatsoever of emotional trauma or physical injury. I wanted to remind people of the horrifying statistic that for every woman that chooses that path there are thousands that don't. And for every woman rescued there are millions that aren't. I also wanted to bring the issue home. To remind people that this isn't a "somewhere over there" issue, but one that happens in our very own city. Twenty seven million. The number of slaves on the planet today. Chew on that concept for a minute. Twenty seven million and I wanted to tell a story of just one, and I wanted people to realise the heaviness and magnitude of this horrific atrocity that is all too prevalent in this world. This is the vision of the short film that I have dubbed "Daisy Chains". The short film that I am in the process of writing and brainstorming. The short film that I am determined to make happen and not condemn to the Creative Graveyard of My Documents. The short film that I am using to be on mission in 2013 to raise awareness and tell a very important story.

I have a feeling 2013 is going to be a very good year.

Health, Hope and Happiness and What Happened When I Lost Them All (And Found Them Again!)

Hello there. How ya doing? Today I feel like sharing this post with you for a few reasons. I guess mostly because I feel like this little testimony of mine might actually help someone who reads it in some way. I don't know how, but maybe someone will be comforted in knowing that what happened to them could happen to anybody and there is a way through it. Also, I guess I'm sharing it because it's almost a New Year and Lord knows New Years Resolutions can have a lot to do with what I'm about to post. Also, I'm sharing it because we live in a society that is so focused on appearances that we can't even turn the television on to watch a "Friends" rerun without being inundated with ads telling us how we aren't thin enough, aren't beautiful enough and aren't good enough. This industry I've chosen is guilty. It's a brutal world and I want to make sure that however far I go in it, I remain strong, confident and with my eyes fixed only on what is important. I shared this post on my personal blog earlier this year when I first got though this season. Remember this was originally written in March 2012, and I have come a long way since then, but I feel like it's relevant to share here, and maybe someone who didn't see it last time will see it now and be encouraged. 

I am one of those people that is superbly good at putting up a tough-nut facade and acting like I'm just peachy all the time (I guess that's why acting is my career of choice). I usually walk around with a super-confident attitude, pretending that I thought I was all that and a bag of chips (no in an arrogant way, hopefully, but in a high self-esteem way). I guess I did have pretty good self-esteem for the most part of my life, but recently, I'm not going to lie to you, it's been shaken a little bit in the last 12 months. And here's why. 

About 16 months ago, I attracted a new follower to my blog on another blogging platform and when I looked into her blog, she was a weight loss blog. But she wasn't just a weight loss blog. She was, what I discovered was called, a Pro-Ana blog. What does Pro-Ana mean you ask? Well, when you Google it, the definition kind of varies. But the best idea I could get of it was, a community that celebrated Anorexia Nervosa as a lifestyle choice instead of a mental illness. I was absolutely shocked. How could something so destructive and horrific as this barbaric eating disorder be glamorised in such a way? Now, I've always had a heart toward women and girls with eating disorders. There is nothing that makes me more angry than eating disorders that cause people to believe complete lies about themselves. So I was completely floored why I discovered that amidst this blogging platform was not just one or two "Pro-Ana" blogs, but literally a community of THOUSANDS UPON THOUSANDS. Not all of them were Pro-Ana. Some were Pro-Mia (the glamorisation of bulimia nervosa as a lifestyle choice). Others were just girls with various eating disorders that either refused treatment, or whose family and friends hadn't realised their state yet, and some, the very rare ones, were body positive, healthy, happy weight loss bloggers. Around this time, I was going on my own journey of health and fitness, trying my best to eat a healthy diet and do a bit of exercise and basically just feel good about myself. My heart was so heavy when I explored these blogs that posted things such as images of scarily thin, emaciated girls that were used as "thinspiration" or "thinspo", and messaged back and forth pearls of "wisdom" to each other such as "pretty girls don't eat", "boys don't like fatties" and "what would you rather, the fries or a gap between your thighs?". I decided at this point, that seeing as I was on my own health journey, I would, myself create an anonymous health and weight-loss blog that was 100% healthy and body positive and try to inspire some of these girls with positive things. I would send messages to them, telling them they were beautiful and valuable, encouraging them and just kind of loving on them. I got mixed responses. Some adored the messages of hope, others didn't buy it at all. It became somewhat of my ministry ground. Just trying to be a lighthouse, an oasis of peace in a world gone mad. 

It wasn't long being in this environment that I started to notice a paradigm shift. Things were starting to go awry. Instead of my words of encouragement and hope blessing the girls I was in contact with, their negative posts and images began to affect me. I was flooded every time I signed on with images that caused me to start to doubt my own appearance. I started to become obsessed. I started to be ridiculous. I ate less, I counted calories, I ran too far and too hard. I began weighing myself every day and got to a point where the number on the scale would affect whether I spent the day in a good mood or bad mood. I'd feel fat when I obviously wasn't, I'd stand in front of the mirror trying to work out whether the outfit I was wearing was making me look like I had a huge gut. I would feel incredibly guilty and depressed every time I ate anything that wasn't healthy.  I was surrounded by images of skinny girls and for the first time in my life, I fell for the lie. I was totally bummed that I didn't look like them. I felt like such a hypocrite. I was facilitating Shine Programs and I certainly wasn't feeling much worth, strength or purpose. I just thought about food all the time. I felt terrible.

I went to a Women's Conference last week, and I didn't really know what I expected out of it. But on that first morning when the panel was talking about things that can limit our flourishing potential, a guest spoke about being unhappy with our appearances. He said we were Christ-Carriers, Treasure Boxes. He only spoke for a few minutes but he totally hit home hard. I felt God say to me, "Shut that blog down. I know you started out with the best intentions to bless people, but you're only hurting yourself. Besides, you are beautiful!" and I was undone.

I don't want these silly insecurities limiting my flourishing potential! So I came home and deleted the blog and promised myself I wouldn't go back there again. And you know what? I have no desire to! Just in the last couple of days I haven't felt that lack of confidence I had once had. I was just so happy. I couldn't stop smiling yesterday morning! God had just romanced me so much. I felt a joy I hadn't felt in quite some time. I felt more in love with Jesus that I've felt in a long time. I still feel it now. He just feels so close and tangible at the moment! I don't want the feeling to go away! I want to capture it, put it in a bottle and save it for a rainy day!

So that was my story. It was scary how easily my mindset was affected, especially seeing as I always thought of myself as being super strong.

I hope if you have had a similar or worse experience that you find the help you need and are able to fight the battle and win. If you've ever had negative thoughts about yourself in anyway, and I know everyone has, I hope that you can bind them up and throw them out before they begin to burrow into your heart!

If you need to get healthy and want to lose weight as a New Years Resolution, please do it in a healthy way! Remember, you're worth so much more than a number on a scale!

Much love,

Alexandra

That was Then, This is Now..

When I was five years old, I came home from school one day in a huff. Why? Well apart from the fact that I was a slightly dramatic, precocious child anyway, I was annoyed because my Kindy play had been cast and I didn't get a part. Or so I thought. The play was an accumulation of nursery rhymes and children's songs that told the story of "The Jolly Postman" and I didn't get to be in any of them. I got the role of "Narrator". Pfft. I was five. I didn't know what a Narrator was, but I knew it wasn't Little Miss Muffet or Little Bo Peep. I told my parents how I felt about this horrific injustice that I had felt had been dealt to me and they gave me an interesting piece of information. The Narrator was actually the biggest part. I'd have the most lines, the most stage time. Well. That was a whole different story. Little five year old Alexandra was happy to hear it. That was my first experience on stage and I loved it. I wore a black velvet dress and a white blouse with a big black bow in my hair and I stood on that stage and narrated the hell out of that show, remembering every word by wrote. I suppose for lack of a less cliche line, it was then I realised that performing was for me.

Fifteen years later and I see how my life has changed. I've done a lot of things, I've been a lot of places and a lot is very different to when I was five years old. But there is still that one remaining factor. I still have that passion. The passion to stand on a stage or in front of a camera and step into the character of someone so different from myself and for a time, become them. The passion to tell a story, to become a part of the story. The passion to make people feel. To make them laugh, cry, and wonder. The passion to entertain. The passion to perform.

For the last two years, I have been away from performing. I've studied and worked and volunteered and after being away from it for two years, it is more clear than ever that this is what I want to do. This is who I want to be. By stepping back, I confirmed in my mind that this wasn't just some phase that I would grow out of but it's a passion and a calling, one that I'm not going to be able to get away from. And you know what? I wouldn't have it any other way.